This post was previously posted on my personal Facebook Account.
Pregnant women are said to be very prone to insecurity, and I am among them. Yes, even before I got pregnant, there were times that I just can’t look at myself in the mirror. I have a terrible acne problem which has only gotten worse during my pregnancy. People may think that “you’ll just get used to looking at yourself in the mirror”, but you don’t. I struggled pretty hard when I was in high school. I wasn’t tall, nor did I have the body of a bombshell. (I was accelerated for two years, so while my female classmates were already getting their periods by the time we reached high school, I only got mine before my junior year – I was only twelve. By the time we reached senior year, almost everyone had fully-developed bodies, while my boobs were…well, they were still nowhere to be seen! HAHA). It’s a good thing that I can laugh about it now. If there’s one thing that UP helped me deal with, it was my chronic insecurity and depression. My closest friends didn’t even know how close I was to taking my own life, because this is my first time going out about it.
The relationships I’ve been in didn’t help.
I thought, at 16, that if I get someone to like me, it would help me feel pretty. It did at the start, but the feeling died shortly after. I was in a relationship for almost 8 years with someone who constantly cheated on me. Everyone thought we were perfect, but every year, every “other girlfriend” I found out, my insecurity got worse. But I coped. I studied harder, and focused more on other things; trivial things that would help me forget how I feel.
After that relationship, I got myself involved with two more cheaters. This was the time when I suddenly realized that the reason why I might be gravitating toward these losers is because I’m a loser myself, so I changed. I dressed better, ate better, got my hair rebonded, bought dresses and shoes and other stuff that I believed could make me feel prettier. It didn’t matter to me if it made me look pretty, the important thing is that I felt good. And everything was doing pretty well…until I met Justin. Let’s admit, I have an attractive guy for a husband. I know he has his panget moments too but every time I look at him, he’s just perfect. In that precise moment that he started courting me, all of my defenses weakened and my insecurities came back with a vengeance. I just don’t get what this guy sees in me and I was pretty sure he’ll just cheat on me later on…until he proposed, and here we are.
Slowly he helped me get my self-esteem back. I started to feel genuinely good about myself. I started looking at myself in the mirror in a whole new light. This was the reason why I cried when his sister was already putting my make-up on, on the day of our wedding, because it was the first time I actually SAW MYSELF AND FELT as the most beautiful girl alive.
I started fighting back and I won.
So now I present to you the new me. Hair is one of the defining factors of being beautiful here in the Philippines, right? So I shaved everything of. I’m taking control of how my beauty is defined.
By the way, my husband wasn’t the only one who helped me in this. The beautiful women I met in life taught me it’s real meaning. First, I was raised by a strong woman who grew up in the small island of Rapu-Rapu Albay, Calinica Oflear, my grandmother. My mother taught me the value of independence and never having to rely on anyone for happiness. My academic idol, Flaudette May Datuin taught me to never give a shit about what others think. My cousin, Lisa Marie Clemente and instructor Roselle Pineda taught me the value of human rights and how to remain strong on your ideals. Atty. Ipat G. Luna taught me that a woman should be like Mother Nature, nurturing, supportive, but also knows how to kick-ass. And finally, one of my bestest friends, Diane Florentz, taught me that you should never let your relationships in life define who you are. I kept all your lessons well. Thank you!